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Aug 3, 2005
I feel so alone I think I'll shrivel up and die.
I hate this.
I'm homeless and the man I love is being a jerk, an ass, making me feel like I'm only an obligation, like I am his captor.
Help me.
Help me.
I want true love. I'm tired of feeling like I'm second best or second at all.
If you are the love of someone's life, shouldn't you be first????
or maybe it's just my fantasy.
Posted at 12:52 am by Asphodel
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Feb 18, 2005
La la la ..... things are crazy. I feel funny, in the not good way. But I like my hair this morning, and that's something.
They say that stars never fall too far from the sky, but this star fell into the depths of a volcano. I wonder how an angel forgot how to fly.... I suppose more than our own power lifts our carcasses up....I miss you. Even knowing all the lies, I find myself surprised to know how your presence makes me weary, lay down your head, child. Even if in the night I cry I have to find a way to live without you.
Randomly....it seems like I don't care anymore.
This weekend will be lovely.
I hope I don't screw it up....
I love Billy...........joi
Posted at 06:29 am by Asphodel
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Feb 11, 2005
Did you know that at 3 am with fog the sky looks like my eyes?
Did you know that I don't feel like I am a crack-tea-cup heart anymore?
Did you know I could live without you, maybe??
I didn't....
( I haven't dreamed of Colin lately....but I've woken up in odd positions with my body hurting and billy like a wolf all angularly distorted.
maybe I don't know what feeling it is, but I think I can like it.....)
You didn't give me roses, you just gave me an iris and goodbye
Posted at 12:55 pm by Asphodel
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Dec 21, 2004
I hate to say this....and I don't know why it is...
but I miss Colin.....I miss my wolf. I miss him. I MISS HIM.
Goddess damn it....but I miss him.
Posted at 09:07 pm by Asphodel
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Dec 16, 2004
I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS...
what am I?? I don't even know...all I see are these reflections in all the thoughts I'm running from, and I'm so sick of it. Everyone wants me to be something else and in reality I'm nothing at all. I"M NOTHING AT ALL.
I love Billy...and I want to be a part of his life. So because of that, I care about the guys. All fucking 11 of them. And it seems like none of it matters. I don't even know if they care....does it matter?? I am SO not used to this. I'm living in the mortal world...and I HATE it. And Baily is saying that Jarrod is the next to go....but I refuse to let that happen if I can. I don't care. I DON"T CARE. No more people will die....because....I don't want anyone else to.
WHAT AM I??? I don't know how to do this. I used to be so bright....so light....now I feel heavy and ugly and MORTAL. And I'm not MORTAL. WHY ARE MY BELIEFS AND THOUGHTS BEING CONFINED??? WHY AM I DOING THIS??? I DON"T UNDERSTAND WHY.
Why is loving doing this to me? Is it actually love? Do I even know what that is??
EVIDENTLY my mother-henning caused UBER drama and Zuriel's party. and all I can think is "I didn't even have that good of a time. That's not even my type of party. I don't even push to lead the life I led. I'm trying to live this life, and I can't even do that right." And I am evidently creating drama. Shit. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so tired. I AM SO TIRED. I don't know I don't know I don't know and I feel sick and out of control and I don't want to think and I'm tired.
Does that matter????
I don't want to care about ANY of them anymore. Not Kira or Kyra or anybody. Why should I?? Thier values aren't my values. I wouldn't even talk to them if they weren't with Jarrod. So why the fuck should I stress over thier shit?? WHY DO I TRY TO HELP PEOPLE??
Obviously my help is unfuckingwanted.
Help me. Help me. Please. I'm so tired. I'm freaking TIRED.
Dustin. I miss you, and I still haven't tried to talk to you.
I haven't done anything.
I haven't fought in so long
I've left my otherworld duties to whoever wants to pick up the scraps.
I get no rest in my sleep,
I get no sleep in my rest...
I find no beauty in the Goddess' eyes.....
Maybe I feel so alone because I'm isolating myself.......
What do I want to be??
Posted at 02:48 pm by Asphodel
Permalink
Nov 24, 2004
...here I am....home again. Not a bad thing, but it gives me time to think....something I am starting to wish I didn't have to do.
Colin will be here tomorrow. "So what?" You ask...or maybe even "that's great!"...well.......I don't know. I am starting to believe that I change myself for the man that is closest. For the person that is closest.....and I don't think that that is healthy. My dad would say that is a sign of intelligence.......
Why do I still call him my dad?? Should I start calling him Roy, take away the father figure name as I did to Mary?? I trained myself out of 13 years of mom...........*sigh*
Anyways...back to the present here.......Colin. In town. The thing is, and it's really actually kindof funny if you look at it...Colin and Billy are coming into town the same day. It's just Billy should be getting here much earlier than Colin (6 am-ish) and he also lives here. Colin on the other hand...will be coming in....I don't know when...with his father....and he is visiting.
I feel shallow.
Do I love anybody?? Do I even love myself?? Can I work this out....how do I deal with this?
Not to mention the fact of my father. I don't know what to do about that. I know that so far I haven't had any problems with the man...but then again, the holiday isn't over and I still have Christmas to pass. Christmas...that I promised to spend with him.
I know that I do this to myself...I always have. I can never last too long loving just one person. I always screw it up for myself...all I wonder is why??? Why would I do that?? I know I want to be happy...but I keep making it impossible for me to be it.
Colin and Billy are both such great men..........they really are. I can't pretend like one is more or less than the other, because it's just not true. But then again, it's like trying to compair Twilight to Midnight...they are both such beautiful times....how can I say one is better than the other?? They aren't exactly opposites, they have some things in common....but they are each so unique.
I miss Dustin so much. I just don't think about it..but when I'm with Baily it's so hard not to. I've had so much history pass with her standing right beside me...now I don't know where to go. I told her last night and she held my hand and told me that it was a good thing I never told Dustin, because he would've killed..........and I nodded and kept my mouth shut. She deserved to know, and soon enough, if my plan goes through, it's not going to be "the secret" anymore. It will just be a fact and I have to deal with that......however I'm going to deal with it as.........
I miss him, though...I miss his smile...his eyes. The conversations.......no matter.
I wish I could say I could see Colin tomorrow and everything would be clear, but it would be such a lie. It won't be. I don't know when it will be....probably at the exact moment it becomes too late. Because that's just the way things seem to happen......isn't it? of course. I just.......
.........don't know.......
I am tired. Jolianna is talking about how nobody ever calls her on her own cell phone...even though....gah...I just want to get a job and get my own money...because right now I hate the feeling that I'm mooching, or living off of other people and giving nothing back....or the fact that people are calling me on a number that I thought I could be reached by. Guilting me for that sucks my ass. I just don't want to feel like I'm intruding anymore. CAN'T ANYBODY SEE THAT I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO??? I don't mean to infringe on anyone, but it seems like I am. If the situations were switched -- as they have been (see Brittany living with me) I wouldn't say anything...why is it that I have to be made out to be such a bad guy because the people who want to talk to me call me?? Is it even that??
No....it's not just that. It's so many things. I just.....realized that I forgot my antibacterial soap at Baily's mom's....shite.....
but I just called and got that fixed...
anyways..I'm going to go do something productive...like...I don't know...anything...whatever...I guess............go.....blahhhr. look for something.
What time are we upon........
.................................and where do I belong.....
Posted at 04:47 pm by Asphodel
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and that's all I have to say...
Colin will be here tomorrow...tomarrow...lol....
I love the Carrolls...they are crazy-cool
AND APRIL IS ON THE HUNT FOR A NEW LAST NAME....BECAUSE BOTH OF HER PARENT'S NAMES SUCK ASS!!!!! whoooooo
*justina* "EYES THAT SPARKLE!!!!!"
anyways...Billy is in New Orleans visiting his Grandma....and I miss him...it makes me sad.....gah. O well. I will write more later maybe.....^.^......
Posted at 07:41 am by Asphodel
Permalink
Oct 13, 2004
Nighttime will be like...
BILLY IS SPENDING THE NIGHT TONIGHT. o-yea. I am so happy. It feels like I haven't seen him in a week. ::big smiles:: and today is such a GORGEOUS day. I wish he would come over at like, 4 instead of 6 like he is...but it's okay, because 6 is still....6. lol. it's before 7. lol.
Anyways.....I am excited because Colin is going to be here Friday, and that is insane absolute...but....
I can't wait to see him, because I know seeing him will tell me so much. It will.
It's not true. Because it is true. And I keep having to catch myself........I really really do...I don't want to say it yet, I can't say it yet....because if I say it...then what? I won't let myself say it till after I see Colin, that's only fair. Please let that be fair. Because if it's not, I'm fuckin screwed.
What happens if I see Colin and still.....think such.....of Billy? But I want to leave here...go to Romania or something....I mean, Alice and Jolianna would love to see me with Colin. It would be such a good thing....he would just fit so well into our respective lives. That is important.
I don't know. I don't want to think about this....goddess...Billy is amazing, though...and he's so good...he's gorgeous. His spirit is so....addictive. It's not something he walks around advertising at all...it just is. He doesn't talk about it....but I know....he is powerful. Whether he chose that path or not, power drips off him like water....or something thicker...honey....I don't know...Branwyn Tears. ::she looks down slightly, images filling her mind::
Jesus.
Okay okay okay. I just had to get that out. Goddess help me know what to do........because I'm not going to be able to figure it out by my onesies...
Posted at 01:41 pm by Asphodel
Permalink
Oct 11, 2004
Billy is way too freakin smart....he's telling me all about Philosophy right now on the phone....and I wish he were here....he SHOULD be here.
this is scary...because I am becoming addicted to him.
he came over IN A CAB to give me a present and get bannana nut bread. and he kissed me and I felt him there and I didn't want him to go but he did and now he's on the phone with me and I want him here and DAMNIT........
i can't think........
Posted at 11:58 pm by Asphodel
Permalink
Damn it. I didn't get the FREAKING job. stupid-heads. oh well, I get a job somewhere better. Because I can. And I fucking WILL. so there.
Anyways.....on another note...
Billy Billy Billy Billy.
His car broke down. He has no car. You know how sad I am about that?? EXTREAMLY. I don't want to not see him. ::pouts::
It's not true!! I think....I'm going to have to really come to terms with myself.
Damn it.
I'm going to an actual dance class tonight..for the first time in four years. I'm thrilled.
Life is glorious....
The question is...would billy want to move to Argentina?? I have a feeling he wouldn't want to go past New Orleans. >.<
Posted at 02:52 pm by Asphodel
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